Road to baby

I was very conflicted about posting this post.  You see, you are about to read the most personal thoughts I have ever posted on the blog.  I used my blog to kinda journal some thoughts over the past year but never posted them.  They just sat in my drafts folders.  I was trying to decide if I ever did want to share these thoughts with you and just wasn't really sure.  But, I figured that if my random ramblings could give encouragement (out of the handful of people that read my little blog) to someone it would be worth it.



November 30, 2011
Some things are easier said than done...
As of now J and I have to been trying to get pregnant for six months.  I know, I know, that's really not a lot of time...but to me it is.  It feels like such a long time when, weekly, I find out another person I know is expecting. "You're still young" "you have plenty of time to start a family" "just relax, drink some wine, and it'll just happen"
These are all things I hear people saying and its just not that easy.  I really feel like God is teaching me a lesson here...possibly on patience, or jealousy and coveting, or just a lesson on trusting His plan for me.  I once read a blog post written by someone who had been trying for a long time to get pregnant.  I didn't know this girl, just stumbled across her blog while blog surfing once.  She wrote something that really stuck with me.  She said, don't think that when you see someone browsing the baby section at Target that they are just shopping for a baby gift...that girl might be browsing and thinking about how much she wants a baby of her own.  It's so true.  If find myself looking at people's nursery pictures or belly pictures and just wondering when will it be my turn?  I have friends who had to wait years to have a baby of their own so I know I'm not the only one but...
waiting is no fun.

March 6, 2012
This past month was really hard on the non-prego front.  I had gotten to the point where I didn't even take pregnancy tests anymore, I just waited to find out that I was not pregnant.  I had more hope for last month though because I was on my second month of taking Clomid (a fertility drug) and just knew it would work.  It did not however and it was really difficult for me.  I went to school the day after I found out we were not pregnant and was just having a rough day.  One of my sweet little four year old boys randomly came up to me at lunch and gave me the biggest hug!  I truly had to make myself not tear up...I just felt like through this little boy God was telling me it was ok and that he had a plan that and that I needed to have faith in His plan.  I've been trying really hard to not think about how "I'm not pregnant" and rather to think about what I do have in my life right now.  A wonderful husband who loves me, family and friends that care for me, a job with an amazing group of students to work with everyday and so much more.  Its difficult but I try very hard to be joyous for other when I find out that they are going to have a baby.

May 11, 2012
It's been about a year since we started trying to grow our family.  I can't really say there have been a lot of ups and downs, because really its been mostly downs with a couple of flat-lined "whatever" feelings.  I do have to say that I feel as if I have changed over the last year.  I don't feel like some super-holy person whose got prayer all figured out, but my my prayer life has definitely changed over the course of this year.  When we first started out in June of 2011 my prayers where just "please let me have a baby" "please let me be pregnant."  Now they are more like "Lord, if it is your will let us have a baby" "please be with my heart and let me understand and trust your ways" "guard my heart from feelings of jealousy and coveting when I see pregnant friends."  I'm not perfect and it still hurts when, yesterday even, I saw another pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  I'm really trying to positive and stay faithful through this whole journey even though it can be very tough at times.


So there you have it.  We did end up going through a couple rounds of IUI (which is a fertility treatmeant) before we were blessed to have little Baby Parks.  All this to say that you really can't plan and map out how you want your life to go.  It's totally up to God and His timing for you so trust in Him no matter how difficult it may be.  

On that note...Happy 12 weeks Baby Parks. Many, many prayers have been lifted up on your behalf by so many people.